"Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime. "

- Phantom of the Opera
Prayer

I haven’t known what to pray for many years. I sit near my bed each night and stare at a wall. I conjure up a couple of words that I don’t usually mean. But, today, I start to understand what they mean by the groaning of the Holy Spirit. My prayers are without many words. Just an aching of the heart. A leaning in toward God. Whispering the names of those I love. Begging for relief. Because, I need prayer more than ever right now. I need to believe that God is real. That He is here. And that He is working. That’s what prayer is. It’s a desperation for God. An acknowledgement of some sort of faith. I have no idea what you’re doing, God. But if I don’t trust you are doing something all I have is despair. And so I pray. Because I have not much left.

Trying to Do Something With My Thoughts

The number of days
in between these brutal frays
grow too few
we can’t get some relief
it threatens our belief
that hope is here
that God is real
that love can heal

I am crippled by my sadness
I am paralyzed by the madness
I’ve forgotten the face of gladness

It eats at me
like a disease
my eyes glued to a screen
is darkness our new reality?
I can’t get some relief
my joy stolen by a thief

Joy
What a mystery
Surely not just my history?
Can it be my present and future
can it close these wounds as a suture

I should number my days
but I am numb in my ways
I should stand and fight
but that demands some might

I am so fragile
with shaken faith for quite awhile
All I can do is keep breathing
Lacking in motivation
to do anything of meaning
Just being
Sleeping through the light
Blinded by the night

I hate this state that I relate to
sedated by my own fears
I admit I’m hiding, I’m not
crying for change
or justice for the slain
but I can’t take the berating
and hating and fighting

Sad for the lives I never knew
that left this earth too soon
Sad for the meaningless arguments
That lead us not a step toward agreements
but push us farther into isolation
so much for a united nation
Sad for my personal enemies
Oh me of selfish tendencies
the demons that are stored inside
that I keep alive
because it’s easier than to try

No easy way out
But surely there is something
we can do about
these evil acts
lay off the facts
the statistics, the data
look in the faces
they are not nameless
and weep, that’s a
brother, a mother, a friend
ask for this to end

And Lord, help my unbelief
You are my only relief