- Gandalf, The Lord of the Rings
That song has been running through my head all week:
"I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, No turning back...
The cross before me, the world behind me
No turning back, no turning back."
I don't know about you but sometimes I am overwhelmed by where God has lead me. I look around and I think that I would not want to be anywhere else. I am overflowing with thankfulness for where God has placed me and the people he has blessed me with. I am filled with vision for serving others. I have grand dreams of what the ministry I am in will accomplish with God on my side.
Then other days I am sitting alone and realize that my impact for the kingdom is weak and minimal. I'm lost of all passion. Everything is a duty and burden. I am just selfishly living my days away. I'm too awkward. I'm too shy. I'm not relatable. I'm too selfish.
And the thought crosses my mind "so this is the life I chose". Now I'm sure you could debate that the implications of that statement are not theological, but that has crossed my mind. And I fear I'm wrong. I fear that God really hasn't called me to Baylor University. To the theatre department. Because it should be this exciting adventure, right? It shouldn't be mundane and hard and eventless.
Sometimes it's really hard. It's hard choosing a different lifestyle than most your friends. It's hard trying to convince a dying world of the Hope of Jesus. It's hard being intentional with people. Especially those you don't just naturally click with. It's hard. It's lonely sometimes.
But I have decided to follow Jesus. NO turning back. No turning back. I put aside the world for a greater hope, a greater life, a greater joy, a greater love. Not every day is going to be miraculous. Not every day is going to be life-giving. But I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. No turning back. And what I gain is SO much better than what I "lost". What I lost is rubbage. I don't even want half of what this world offers. Sometimes I think I do. But I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord.
So I keep on walking in faith. I am scared many days that I am wrong. But I keep on. I keep loving. I keep serving. And I know that the work I do in the Lord is NOT in vain. And He is worth it all. He is worth following. He is Life and without him I am dead. So until the end of the days I will sing this song. His praise will be on my lips and his will on my heart.
And, goodnight. :)
I'll probably going to be vulnerable and vague at the same time in this blog. I want to be honest but I also want to honor real people or real situations by not posting things on the interweb.
Someone I know was telling me about someone they know who may have a rougher life than your average american. They are without a job and struggle to make ends meet. But they are just so full of bitterness towards those who have stable jobs and are well off that they will not receive any sort of help from anyone. I feel like we all know these people. The ones that gripe and complain about those more fortunate than them because that wasn't their story.
I realized though that I am like that. Not in the same exact way, obviously, because I am very blessed. I am sitting in my apartment as a junior at Baylor University. But, I realized that when someone has an easier time than I did in making friends or having success in their major or whatever... I can't help but be bitter towards them. And they could be the sweetest person or just an innocent bystander but I could literally be so angry at them. And it has nothing to do with them. It's all my own insecurity that my life didn't match theirs. My life was a little rougher coming into college and so therefore if yours isn't then I see you as an enemy. It's comparison and it's lethal. It doesn't hurt them either. It just hurts myself by planting bitterness in my heart and making it to where I can't be to them who God wants me to be.
God, take my bitterness. I don't want it. Help me be secure in where you have taken me that I can see other people's successes and celebrate them.