"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

- Gandalf, The Lord of the Rings
I'm committed.

There is no looking back. I wanna dive into Jesus and his love and grow hungry for Him!!! He is my every breath and my food and my living water!!!

I've wrestled with the doubts that Jesus is worth it for a while. I mean, I wasn't going to turn away. But... I just, was so unsure. But, now I can say I am committed!!! I wanna follow Jesus. I want to run hard after Him.

(There was no particular reason for me to suddenly make this choice. I just, got an overwhelming sense of His presence, love, and goodness tonight. Lol, just sitting at my desk.)

Dear Jesus,
don't let this be just an emotion. Let this be a burning heart for you! And for nothing else. Because it's all junk. It's all withering trash that doesn't satisfy. You are the way, the truth and the life. Amen.

Back again.

I'm soooorrrrryyyyy I don't post. I'm going to try to get back into the habit of posting. Cause I feel like I now have something to talk about. I don't know.

I'm not going to post about school/theatre. Nothing has changed in that area.

Buuuut, I wanted to talk about Edinburg!!! I won't really go into much detail about specific stories, I just kinda wanted to talk more about what God taught me. So, here we go:

So, the trip first off was good timing. The weeks leading up to Edinburg, I was just... well, everything kinda came crashing down on me. Insecurities popped up, theatre is just bleh, and I just... really didn't feel God's presence. I believed He was there, but... I couldn't feel Him. Which, I know that not everyday do we feel Him, but ... there was a big space of lacking. And I wanted so badly to have his presence in my life. And I wanted so badly to hear from him. And see Him move. I mean, I've wanted to stop waiting for a long time. I wrote in my journal a day or so before the trip, I just asked Him to not wait any longer to respond. I wanted Him to respond now! And I think God was definitely teaching me patience. But, I don't know... I felt like it was time. But, anyways... it's crazy now going back and seeing how God answered those prayers!

The first day I feel like I was kinda warming up. The worship was... well it was a lot more free than I'm used to. The people were so passionate and so in tune with what God was saying to them. And I just felt like, I don't know... not where they were. But, I realized that I could do one of two things: I could sit back and just watch what God does in others and not really put in my input because I am new and be quiet, or I could jump right in and be a part of it. I chose to do the latter, and... it was hard. But, I did it. I love the people. I've never been with a group of 50 people where every last one of them were so on fire for Jesus. It was amazing. I loved getting to talk to them. And pray with them. And I feel like I was so unified with everyone because we all prayed for and with each other. And, that really helped me love people that I otherwise may not have loved. (Not saying some were necessarily hard to love, but... I hope you know what I mean.)

The second day I really was committed to my decision to jump in. I was letting go of PRIDE and FEAR and God really opened my up. I was set free to worship in deeper ways, (and I can still go deeper) and to listen to his voice more clearly (and again, I still could listen even better). It took me longer to let go of my fear and need to be right (like, the last couple days), but this was all a learning process. I'm kinda not really going in days order. So.. sorry if this is confusing. But, anyways.... I started walking out in faith more. And it truly did bring blessings! And, again, I still have SO much to learn about all that.

One thing that I also "learned", I guess, was more about God's power! And his willingness to show his power! And our authority to take that power and use it! We got to pray over many people to heal them from diseases, sicknesses, and pains. And, many we saw immediate results. Which was awesome. And I got to experience that myself! Which, I am so thankful for! Some were not immediate (or we could not tell because it was like.. high blood pressure or heart attacks or something) But, in faith I am believing God will heal! And it's so strange cause now that is so normal to me! Radical became the normal was something we said. But, now, it's like "duh, of course you would pray for healing!" ha.

And I got to SOAK in God's presence and the filling of the Holy Spirit SO much. It was suuuch an answered prayer and one of my favorite parts. The worship sessions at the beginning of the days were SO good because God was truly there with us. And the last day we basically had a dance party but it was worshiping Jesus at the same time. It was sooo much fun! If any non Christians, or even Christians, think that Jesus isn't fun- they're wrong! It was the best.

I also got to see more JOY in my life for doing the works of God and basically what we're made to do. And.. that was a big change in my life! I was just jumping off the walls every night! (or.... most nights.) And even hearing the stories of others were just... so faith building. Oh YEAH- my faith increased SO much this week as well.

Some of the stuff was hard. Like, we talked about brokenness and then holiness and purity. And... well I'm still struggling with, I guess, realizing God is worth the pursuit to holiness. And... it's all stupid but I am having trouble, just, starving my flesh. But, it's not extremely hard. I've just.... cried a lot. ahha. Well, you are probably imagining myself bawling. So, I cried a lot for ME. so like... 10 tears. hahah But, we'll see.

I guess that's it. One thing that kinda scares me, and it probably shouldn't: But this weekend I've really reconsidered going to Baylor. I mean, there is in Antioch at Waco I can plug in to, but I just fell in love with the Belton people this week. And... I so badly want to be there next year. But, I want to do theatre and drama ministry and all that stuff. so...... I don't know. We will see. It is all depending now if I get IN. Cause if I don't- I think the choice is easy. But, if I do.... then I may struggle a little.

But, basically, God wrapped it all up and is teaching me and bringing it all back to LOVE. Love is real. Love if life. Love is what we were created for. To love and be loved. By JESUS! And so when things seem overwhelming, I just go back to love. Love God. Love others.

So yeah! Be praying for me!