- Caedmon's Call
It started out yesterday morning when I woke up, just that feeling of weakness and my nose has not stopped running since. I've sneezed like 100 times in the past two days, and I feel just tired all the time. I'm hoping this'll pass quickly so I'll be energized for camp. I so badly want some soup from chick fil a (I just sneezed again btw) or some ramen or anything.
I have work tonight, which kinda stinks. Work has been going better, not as long. I've been reading more at work (I finally got into one of my books after it took me like a month to get past the first 100 pages, that feeling is always good.) and so time flies quicker. Hopefully, I'll get my pay check tonight, and hopefully it'll be good. Tomorrow I'm going to go shopping for some much needed clothes (well, really things for camp.) I literally have no clothes (correction: they've all ended up in Molly's room.) and I need to go shopping bad. I went shopping on Friday with Mace Face, but I didn't get anything. I only had 40 dollars so I wouldn't have been able to get much, and that made me even more careful with deciding to buy things. I saw a lot of things I like, but I don't know... I never look good in any of them. I need some professional help. I'll get better at it sooner or later. I just need to find what works and then go from there.
One reason why I haven't been blogging lately is because Macy was over all last week so I've been hanging out with her. But I'll just talk about what's been on my mind lately.
I think the major thing on my mind right now is the fact that I haven't been to any church events (except for Church on Sunday, obviously) in the past 2 weeks. For different reasons. Last week I was going to go to Appetite, but I couldn't get a ride (same with this week.) Wednesday I didn't go to BITB because Macy was over and I was going to have to work all weekend. Thursday I didn't go to Throwdown because of work and I won't be able to go next week becasue of work since I'm taking the weekend off for camp. I'm going to go to BITB tomorrow, and the Bible study beforehand so I can finally get some Bible Study and Church fellowship. It'll be nice at camp to get away from everything and just focus back on God and stuff. I've been needing that. I don't know, work is just messing with my schedule already. I mean, it's only these two weeks because last week my boss went on vacation, and this week he put me on Thursday since I wouldn't be there this weekend, but it's also been messing with my driving. I haven't driven in two weeks and I'm scared that I won't start soon even though my parents promise I will. I mean, it's nice for the money. Cause I need some money. And I enjoy the people there and stuff, it's just hard to have to give up a lot of things for work. Cause I am going to get busier in July I think (with Scholars and what not) and I want to go on some sort of vacation but it's like I'm the only phone girl so it puts a lot of pressure on me. I don't know, I'm trying not to think about it/worry about it. But I also feel like now everyone is expecting me to grow up quicker. Like, now that I have a job I'm going to have to continue to work and be independent on my own, which I don't want just yet. I don't want to work during the school year, and I don't want to necessarily work next summer, but I feel like it's my duty now. I don't know, I don't really want to grow up just yet. I mean, I haven't even started driving yet.
I've also been in that constant state of being on the verge of tears. I mean, no particular reason. I think my allergies aren't helping with that. But, it just happens every once in a while where I just start crying for no reason, or feel like I need to cry for no reason. Ha.
But anyways, I hope it all turns out for the better.
...but I have the clicheness to say I lack creativity because everyone says that when they can't think of anything.
Anyways, I'll do a update-on-how-my-life-is-going-thus-far-post later, but I just wanted to blog real quick.
I used to write a lot more than I do now, which is kinda sad. Like, I always was writing. Ha. But now I don't think I ever really just sit down and write anymore. But, every once in a while I'll get in a big writing mood and just write for like an hour or so. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world. I'm kinda in that mood right now, or I have been all day and I think I'm about to go write. I have like 10 different 'books' I'm writing saved in Word, and I'll go back sometimes to look at them... then destroy them and start over. Ha. And there is like one or two stories (more like 50, but whatevs) that just won't leave my head, and I just run through them over and over. I wanna be able to finish a book someday, I wanna get published some day. And you know what I also think I'd be good at/like to do... writing for t.v shows/ movies. (I think you call it a screen play writer?) So, I guess if I can't star in a movie, I can always write it. That'd be cool.
I think my only problem is I don't have enough patience to write. I am thinking like a gazillon words per minute, and I don't really feel like putting it all on paper, so I just kinda remember it until I have the motivation to put it down. But anyways, just wanted to let you know.
Something I am trying to work on is loving others. I mean, I don't think I don't love others, but truly loving others the way God wants us to. Loving others more than myself and trying to not be selfish about everything. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.
I've realized that I'm never going to know. I'm never going to just understand anything, and that that is okay. I don't need to know how or when or why or whatever, I just need to trust. And I don't need to worry about what I need to do or what I will do. Because I can't do anything good enough. You know?
This is silly and random, but a fear that I have is dying right now. I mean, I know it's going to happen, but if I were to die right now, I wouldn't have been able to fix everything I've messed up or done anything really cool in my life, for that matter. I want to get things right before I leave this life, but I guess I can't wait because this life could be shorter than I think, although I hope not.
I'm already tired of my job. Ha. I mean, I'll feel differently when I get my paycheck. It's just so boring. Soo boring. But the people are nice and the actual job part is fine. I just don't want to have to sit there for 3 hours, 3 days a week and sometimes more. I'll probably stop when school starts, I think that'll be best.
So yeah, that's what's been going on pretty much.
I am going to be a phone girl at Gattis (where Andrew works.) I'm pretty excited. I won't be working much, which is good, and it's not a big amount of pay... but it'll be more than I have now. So yeah, I am excited. And I'll try to save a lot so I can have some money when school starts. I am going in tomorrow to start training and stuff. I'm probably going to work Mondays, Fridays, and Sundays which works perfect with my schedule. So, yeah. I'll update you more when I know more!
Here comes the money! (:
(Bear with me, this is just a vomit of thoughts. It's not an english essay.)
The title is pessimistic. And, I know it's pessimistic, but it's just been a fear of mine lately. Most people my age have no clue what they are going to do when the grow up, and I've always known. I thought that was a good thing. But, if you put all your effort, heart, attention, and dreams into this one thing... if you don't succeed, where will you go? And that really scares me. If you go into college or the world with options, with doors, it's harder to fail. I always knew what I was going to do and what I would study and who I would be that I was set... I was ready. I didn't want to change anything. But I believe that could not only be the motivation, but also the problem. What if I'm just telling myself I'm good enough, or what if I don't ever make it. What will I do, how will I live? I mean, when I look into the future at where I will be- I don't imagine myself there, if I think realistically, but am I really thinking realistically? I just don't think I want to admit it's what I want. People tell me that it's pretty much impossible, and that just angers me because it obviously is not impossible. So many people have done so many great things. And who says I am not one of them? Who says I won't achieve great things, but how do I know? By just trying? I shouldn't be afraid of failing.. but if I wait to long, it could be too late to start over.
Then, I think I realized that none of this matters. Not yet, at least. Because if I follow in God's plan and his path, won't I make it there... or somewhere better? I mean, I've always been scared that God would lead me somewhere else, but I think that that would be okay. Because it would be better. I would get over my silly dreams, no matter how much I want them. But, I gotta try... unless I end up somewhere else.
The future scares me. But also excites me.
This Reading List is technically for life. I mean, obviously I'm going to add to it, cross them out, and stuff. But these are the books I want to read... so I need to get started. This isn't the full list as of now... I mean, I want to just read more in general. So, if you have any suggestions... they are appreciated. If I think of anything else, I'll probably add it on here. So, wish me good luck!
Finish Lord of the Rings
Re-read Lord of the Rings
Pride and Prejudice
Sense and Sensibility
Other books by Jane Austen
My Sister’s Keeper
Summer Reading Book
I sat down to write a post, I was all ready for what I was going to say, I was geared, I was passionate about the subject. Then I threw up on the computer (not literally.) So... I'm taking a break from that post for now. But I decided I'd post something saying to not freak out yet, I'm still posting.
I went driving today. Woop! Woop! Thanks Daddy! I hope I'm doing good. I hope you are patient with me too, I'm trying my hardest.
I pray for Molly. I thank you for Molly. I don't think she has any idea of how much she means to me. I believe that she was given to me to show me what a womam of God should look like. I just pray that as she starts life in a new place, that she will hold steadfast to your word. I pray that you will give her a friend that will really encourage her and love her for who she is. I pray that she will remember that she is loved for who she is. Give her strenght, give her peace, give her joy, and I pray that she will follow after you, every step of the way. I'm going to miss her. A lot. Thank you for giving her as an older sister- I have seriously learned the world from her.
Goodnight, Blogsphere. Until next time.
Seriously. First real day of summer today, although I did go to school for 2 hours... but only to hang out in theatre. I did an interpret dance for my friends final about a poem I wrote her. It was awesome.
Things I want to accomplish this summer:
1. Put a dent in the HUGE mental list of books I need to read.
2. Socialize more often.
3. Spend lots of time with family!
5. Get my permit/start working towards my license.
That's just all I can think about right now. I'm so excited! (: