I wish this weekend never happened. It’s been one of the worst weekends in a long while. But, then again, it was so good.

We put on a great show. Honestly. Mrs. Koern was so proud of us and so happy for us. She was so pleased with our performance. I was pleased. I don’t think I’ve ever left a play without being a little bit unsatisfied with how I played. But, I mean… I felt in my place on that stage. Mrs. Koern had so much confidence in me. When we walked into our room after leaving the stage- you wouldn’t believe the relief and happiness we felt. We did it. We really did. It felt so good. And it wasn’t just that we had fun and we felt we did our best. We moved people. The whole audience was crying. Everyone loved it. It was a good show.

Then comes Awards Ceremony. We all got dressed up. It was exciting. I got All Star Cast. I mean, it’s a big deal I think. This was my first time to really get awarded for my acting. It felt good. Eliza got Best Actress. But it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t good enough. It’s happened like once or twice that a person’s school who got Best Actor/Actress didn’t advance. When I heard “Phraedra” instead of “The Women of Lockerbie” it was like… that was the end. The end. I didn’t really know what to do. It was like… I was so sure and felt so good that I knew we could do it. But, still, not hearing our name seemed too familiar. There was a two minute break before the judge’s comments and I didn’t really know what to do. I talked with my family but I couldn’t really be excited about my award. I was just stunned. Saddened.

And saddened turned into hurt which turned into anger. The whole time I was thinking while she was talking to Cy Springs that it was over. My journey with Madeline with over. In a week or two I’d never have to live through the pain and grief of her anymore. I was done. But once she got done with Cy Springs I expected her to move to Langham Creek or whoever but then she called out Cy Fair. I couldn’t believe it. And that stung even worse. Were we that bad? And while she spoke to us in an insensitive way (after saying how bad she felt for Cy Springs so she didn’t take off 10 points for their lighting problems… “It happens.”) I became so angry. I felt so stupid with my medal and with my flowers and I felt stupid for crying. I really hate crying in front of people. Especially when I’m not the only one. I don’t know why… but I feel so stupid. But, I couldn’t help it. It was like I kept getting slapped in the face.

It wasn’t that there were two plays that were better than us (and I’ve heard from more than one source that we were better than the one that advanced), it was that she didn’t like our play. She just… didn’t like it. And I don’t understand why. I don't know how I could've done better. I mean... I could've done better I'm sure. I wasn't perfect. But, what could we have done to make it better? Cause nothing in her critiques told us. I’ve gone over our performance again and again and I don’t understand. I’ve gone over the response of the crowd. We put the whole crowd in tears. We moved our audience. That’s what any actor wants from a performance. They weren’t distracted by bad acting or bad lights or bad sound because there wasn’t any. They were taken in and believed every word we said. I’ve gone over the feeling when we walked back into the room. I’ve gone over how nervous we didn’t feel because we were confident in our performance. I mean, we weren’t like there was no way we wouldn’t advance, but we felt good about what we did. But, not only did we not advance. She was so insulting. We didn’t even get alternate position. We were 2nd to last. We were one up from a school that has not put on one show this whole year. I watched the play that got alternate, and honestly I’m puzzled. Did she really think we were that bad? And all she did was insult us.

First off, she starts with, “I’m mad at you.” And went on to say how it’s unfair that we all didn’t advance and what not. Yeah, okay. Next time we’ll do horrible so you won’t have such a hard time picking. Sounds like a good plan.
She also says it’s a “hostile atmosphere” and she would hurry so we could “attack her car.” We were sitting their politely and quietly waiting to hear where we went wrong. And I still don’t know. I still don’t know.
“In my opinion, today, it didn’t work.” Well, would it have worked if we performed it tomorrow? Huh? “It’s just my opinion, it doesn’t matter.” YES IT DOES. You are the only one who has any input on who gets to go. It matters to us. Does that not count?

Then, she tells us our accents were “fair.” But she wanted them to be, “Good. Better. Best.” (direct quote.) That made me so mad- and I didn’t even speak in an accent. What are you going off? How do you know what an accurate Scottish accent looks like? Are you just going by Groundskeeper Willy? Is that what you want us to sound like? Or Shrek? I mean we got help from a lady who lived in Scotland. We knew what we were doing.

She comments on silly things like the luggage wasn’t heavy enough, the rocks weren’t jagged enough, it didn’t seem cold enough. One: the luggage was heavy. I carried them. Two: We had to sit on the rocks (UIL rule), therefore your logic doesn’t make sense. Three: What did you want us to do? Shiver? We had on layers of clothes- which usually keeps people warm. I was numb to the cold. The cold was the last thing on our minds when the Scots were trying to get the clothes back and I was running the hills going crazy.

All she says to me is that I forced it too much at times. Fair comment. I guess. She somewhere in there complimented me instead. Honestly, I was just trying to stop myself from crying in front of her. But, I don’t know what to do with her comment- I don’t really know where to fix it. But, Mr. C and Mrs. Koern disagreed on this critique – so I don’t know.

She said the same thing to Bill.

She didn’t even mention Lalit at all. At all. She mentioned the girls how she didn’t like that they were one at times and then had their own stories. Oh don’t get me wrong, it was a strong choice. So gold sticker for the effort. The dang script is written as a Greek tragedy. They are Women 1 and Women 2. They are always together- they are going to be similar.

I’m sorry if I haven’t really been wanting to talk this weekend. I’m sorry if I sound whiny and complain-y. You just have no idea how much it hurts. I mean… no one can really understand. I remember last year when we didn’t advance for Paganini and I didn’t really know why everyone was crying. It was going to be okay. But. No. It crushes you. I mean… we worked so hard. We worked so hard. It hurts so much. It’s not fair that there is only one judge. And so many people were behind us and thought we’d advance. It was in our hands. I can’t stop thinking about it. It just hurts. It’s over. I’ll get over it. Life goes on. But, I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow. I feel like a disappointment. A let down. I don’t want to face everyone who will wonder what happened. I don’t want to get home at 2:30 every day to stare at this stupid computer screen and drown myself in homework. I have nothing else to look forward to this year. And I feel so weird when people congratulate me. I didn’t get what I really wanted. Yes, the award is an honor and I’m so glad I got it. But… I would exchange it for the chance to move on. In a heartbeat.

Goodbye, Madeline. Goodbye.