Which I'm so excited about. Except, I don't know why, but there is this feeling of either doubt/nervousness/fear or some sort of negative emotion in my stomach. I can't put a finger on what it is, or why it is there, but it's there. I think it has something to do with the fact that I hate feeling anxious. I hate that constant state of excitement before something. I mean, I love being like "I can't wait for _____" and I love to have things to look forward to, but I hate the feeling before where that is all you can think about. Kinda like the night before the first day of school, where you can't sleep cause all you can think about is school. I hate that. And whenever every person is like, "are you excited for ___?". Ya know? I don't know. I just wanna get it over with... or rather, be there right now. I guess my problem is I have no patience. Well, anyways, today is going to be a day of packing and getting ready.

Oh! Yesterday I got my checking account!! I'm going to have a debit card and everything! I deposited my first pay check too! ($128.71) It feels nice to have all that money. I spent alot of it yesterday, though. Well not a lot, cause I have 40 dollars in cash plus that. So, I probably still have at least 100 bucks.

It started out yesterday morning when I woke up, just that feeling of weakness and my nose has not stopped running since. I've sneezed like 100 times in the past two days, and I feel just tired all the time. I'm hoping this'll pass quickly so I'll be energized for camp. I so badly want some soup from chick fil a (I just sneezed again btw) or some ramen or anything.

I have work tonight, which kinda stinks. Work has been going better, not as long. I've been reading more at work (I finally got into one of my books after it took me like a month to get past the first 100 pages, that feeling is always good.) and so time flies quicker. Hopefully, I'll get my pay check tonight, and hopefully it'll be good. Tomorrow I'm going to go shopping for some much needed clothes (well, really things for camp.) I literally have no clothes (correction: they've all ended up in Molly's room.) and I need to go shopping bad. I went shopping on Friday with Mace Face, but I didn't get anything. I only had 40 dollars so I wouldn't have been able to get much, and that made me even more careful with deciding to buy things. I saw a lot of things I like, but I don't know... I never look good in any of them. I need some professional help. I'll get better at it sooner or later. I just need to find what works and then go from there.

One reason why I haven't been blogging lately is because Macy was over all last week so I've been hanging out with her. But I'll just talk about what's been on my mind lately.

I think the major thing on my mind right now is the fact that I haven't been to any church events (except for Church on Sunday, obviously) in the past 2 weeks. For different reasons. Last week I was going to go to Appetite, but I couldn't get a ride (same with this week.) Wednesday I didn't go to BITB because Macy was over and I was going to have to work all weekend. Thursday I didn't go to Throwdown because of work and I won't be able to go next week becasue of work since I'm taking the weekend off for camp. I'm going to go to BITB tomorrow, and the Bible study beforehand so I can finally get some Bible Study and Church fellowship. It'll be nice at camp to get away from everything and just focus back on God and stuff. I've been needing that. I don't know, work is just messing with my schedule already. I mean, it's only these two weeks because last week my boss went on vacation, and this week he put me on Thursday since I wouldn't be there this weekend, but it's also been messing with my driving. I haven't driven in two weeks and I'm scared that I won't start soon even though my parents promise I will. I mean, it's nice for the money. Cause I need some money. And I enjoy the people there and stuff, it's just hard to have to give up a lot of things for work. Cause I am going to get busier in July I think (with Scholars and what not) and I want to go on some sort of vacation but it's like I'm the only phone girl so it puts a lot of pressure on me. I don't know, I'm trying not to think about it/worry about it. But I also feel like now everyone is expecting me to grow up quicker. Like, now that I have a job I'm going to have to continue to work and be independent on my own, which I don't want just yet. I don't want to work during the school year, and I don't want to necessarily work next summer, but I feel like it's my duty now. I don't know, I don't really want to grow up just yet. I mean, I haven't even started driving yet.

I've also been in that constant state of being on the verge of tears. I mean, no particular reason. I think my allergies aren't helping with that. But, it just happens every once in a while where I just start crying for no reason, or feel like I need to cry for no reason. Ha.

But anyways, I hope it all turns out for the better.

...but I have the clicheness to say I lack creativity because everyone says that when they can't think of anything.

Anyways, I'll do a update-on-how-my-life-is-going-thus-far-post later, but I just wanted to blog real quick.

I used to write a lot more than I do now, which is kinda sad. Like, I always was writing. Ha. But now I don't think I ever really just sit down and write anymore. But, every once in a while I'll get in a big writing mood and just write for like an hour or so. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world. I'm kinda in that mood right now, or I have been all day and I think I'm about to go write. I have like 10 different 'books' I'm writing saved in Word, and I'll go back sometimes to look at them... then destroy them and start over. Ha. And there is like one or two stories (more like 50, but whatevs) that just won't leave my head, and I just run through them over and over. I wanna be able to finish a book someday, I wanna get published some day. And you know what I also think I'd be good at/like to do... writing for t.v shows/ movies. (I think you call it a screen play writer?) So, I guess if I can't star in a movie, I can always write it. That'd be cool.

I think my only problem is I don't have enough patience to write. I am thinking like a gazillon words per minute, and I don't really feel like putting it all on paper, so I just kinda remember it until I have the motivation to put it down. But anyways, just wanted to let you know.

Something I am trying to work on is loving others. I mean, I don't think I don't love others, but truly loving others the way God wants us to. Loving others more than myself and trying to not be selfish about everything. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

I've realized that I'm never going to know. I'm never going to just understand anything, and that that is okay. I don't need to know how or when or why or whatever, I just need to trust. And I don't need to worry about what I need to do or what I will do. Because I can't do anything good enough. You know?

This is silly and random, but a fear that I have is dying right now. I mean, I know it's going to happen, but if I were to die right now, I wouldn't have been able to fix everything I've messed up or done anything really cool in my life, for that matter. I want to get things right before I leave this life, but I guess I can't wait because this life could be shorter than I think, although I hope not.

I'm already tired of my job. Ha. I mean, I'll feel differently when I get my paycheck. It's just so boring. Soo boring. But the people are nice and the actual job part is fine. I just don't want to have to sit there for 3 hours, 3 days a week and sometimes more. I'll probably stop when school starts, I think that'll be best.

So yeah, that's what's been going on pretty much.

Me, haha.

I am going to be a phone girl at Gattis (where Andrew works.) I'm pretty excited. I won't be working much, which is good, and it's not a big amount of pay... but it'll be more than I have now. So yeah, I am excited. And I'll try to save a lot so I can have some money when school starts. I am going in tomorrow to start training and stuff. I'm probably going to work Mondays, Fridays, and Sundays which works perfect with my schedule. So, yeah. I'll update you more when I know more!

Here comes the money! (:

(Bear with me, this is just a vomit of thoughts. It's not an english essay.)

The title is pessimistic. And, I know it's pessimistic, but it's just been a fear of mine lately. Most people my age have no clue what they are going to do when the grow up, and I've always known. I thought that was a good thing. But, if you put all your effort, heart, attention, and dreams into this one thing... if you don't succeed, where will you go? And that really scares me. If you go into college or the world with options, with doors, it's harder to fail. I always knew what I was going to do and what I would study and who I would be that I was set... I was ready. I didn't want to change anything. But I believe that could not only be the motivation, but also the problem. What if I'm just telling myself I'm good enough, or what if I don't ever make it. What will I do, how will I live? I mean, when I look into the future at where I will be- I don't imagine myself there, if I think realistically, but am I really thinking realistically? I just don't think I want to admit it's what I want. People tell me that it's pretty much impossible, and that just angers me because it obviously is not impossible. So many people have done so many great things. And who says I am not one of them? Who says I won't achieve great things, but how do I know? By just trying? I shouldn't be afraid of failing.. but if I wait to long, it could be too late to start over.

Then, I think I realized that none of this matters. Not yet, at least. Because if I follow in God's plan and his path, won't I make it there... or somewhere better? I mean, I've always been scared that God would lead me somewhere else, but I think that that would be okay. Because it would be better. I would get over my silly dreams, no matter how much I want them. But, I gotta try... unless I end up somewhere else.

The future scares me. But also excites me.

This Reading List is technically for life. I mean, obviously I'm going to add to it, cross them out, and stuff. But these are the books I want to read... so I need to get started. This isn't the full list as of now... I mean, I want to just read more in general. So, if you have any suggestions... they are appreciated. If I think of anything else, I'll probably add it on here. So, wish me good luck!

READING LIST:
Finish Lord of the Rings
Re-read Lord of the Rings
Pride and Prejudice
Sense and Sensibility
Other books by Jane Austen
My Sister’s Keeper
The Idiot
Summer Reading Book

I sat down to write a post, I was all ready for what I was going to say, I was geared, I was passionate about the subject. Then I threw up on the computer (not literally.) So... I'm taking a break from that post for now. But I decided I'd post something saying to not freak out yet, I'm still posting.

I went driving today. Woop! Woop! Thanks Daddy! I hope I'm doing good. I hope you are patient with me too, I'm trying my hardest.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Molly. I thank you for Molly. I don't think she has any idea of how much she means to me. I believe that she was given to me to show me what a womam of God should look like. I just pray that as she starts life in a new place, that she will hold steadfast to your word. I pray that you will give her a friend that will really encourage her and love her for who she is. I pray that she will remember that she is loved for who she is. Give her strenght, give her peace, give her joy, and I pray that she will follow after you, every step of the way. I'm going to miss her. A lot. Thank you for giving her as an older sister- I have seriously learned the world from her.

Goodnight, Blogsphere. Until next time.

Seriously. First real day of summer today, although I did go to school for 2 hours... but only to hang out in theatre. I did an interpret dance for my friends final about a poem I wrote her. It was awesome.

Things I want to accomplish this summer:
1. Put a dent in the HUGE mental list of books I need to read.
2. Socialize more often.
3. Spend lots of time with family!
4. Relax!!
5. Get my permit/start working towards my license.

That's just all I can think about right now. I'm so excited! (:

For those of you who haven't given up on me yet, I'm going to start blogging again. Ha. I guess I'll update you on what I've been up to lately.


These last 3-4 weeks have been suprisingly busy. As we came to the end of the year, it was obvious how bad Ike really affected us. Every teacher crammed everything into these last few days. But, now that that is over, life is good again!! I have conquered and completed Sophomore year!

The last issue of the Newspaper came out May 15, I believe. It was really nice to have the paper be done with, even though it was really fun. We also had banquet on Monday night, and I recieved "Best Attitude" and "Best Rookie" award. I also got "Most likely to make any situation awkward." Ha. But it was fun, short and sweet. I'm not returning next year, but not because I don't want to, more because I need to get some other credits out of the way. I'm going to miss it a lot, but, I think it'll be better to have that stress gone.

In WHAP, we have done pretty simple, calming things, but work nonetheless. We did a mosaic project that was fun, but took FOREVER. I did Anne Boyeln (I think that is how you spell her name). It turned out good, I thought. And Mrs. Lawrence put it up on the board with like 6 other ones. So, that was pretty cool. I gave it to Mama, because she wants to frame it and put it up in her house, hha. I turned in my book for that class yesterday, and it was the best feeling in the world!! Goodbye WHAP!!!

And how every other class slowly died down, theatre became my stressful class. First, we had to finish our directing stuff that we've been doing since February!(Dude, it was fun at first, but got tiring). Then while we were finishing our directing scenes, we had to also make a costume. That was very stressful. I pretty much went to theatre every other period to work on it and was there till 4:00 on Wednesday, but I finally finished it. It was a dress from the 20's. I liked the fabric when I got it, but I think after looking at it for so long, it looked disgusting to me. The costume was like 12 sizes to big, so it looked like I was a witch (the fabric was black.) But, people seemed to like it, and they liked my monologue too. So, that was good! Then, I also had to stress about Banquet. I didn't have any idea what I would do for my costume for that, and I had to deal with planning it and stuff. I didn't really plan it, but I had to stay after to work on awards and the gift (which others took care of it, so I guess I was let off the hook?) and just everything else. But I finally figured out a costume (it wasn't that exciting, and no one else thought so too.. half of them didn't even know I was wearing a comstume. But it worked, so I don't care.) And I also had to stress about campaigning. But, it all worked out because Banquet was a lot of fun. I was re-elected Treasurer (thanks to the people who voted), and I had a lot of fun. It was also sad because of senior speeches and stuff, but it was good.

Once I checked all that off my list, I just had to go one more boring day and survive!! And I don't have to take any finals this semester.. hahha. So I am already kicked into summer mode and I love it! I plan to relax this summer, hopefully keep my self occupied though, and hopefully I'll hang out with more school friends this year... especially theatre. I'm excited for this summer... for camp and 16th birthday and (hopefully) getting my permit/license soon after (daddy... we need to go driving soon!) and then at the end of the summer... saying bye to Molly. That'll be hard. But, I'm going to enjoy this summer and not worry about that till later.

Well, thanks for reading.

This isn't going to be a long blog... trust me, I'll get to it. I just haven't updated in about a month. Sorry about that, everything has been just cramming into these last two weeks.

AP TESTS ARE OVER. That is good news.

-I am so ready for summer.
-Theatre has never been so stressful.
-I had my last ABS last night for the year. It really put me in a funk.
-I am so glad that Kris Allen won American Idol!!
-I am doing tech for the Senior Direct plays. It's really fun.
-I wish that I wouldn't dream so much, cause I am only setting myself up for failure.
-I wish I didn't get jealous so easily, it's not a comfortable feeling.

I don't really have any particular reason, there is just so much I have to do in so little time that I don't know where to start so all I can do is sit there and be dumb. And I just don't like not having things in my control, which I know is not a good thing, but I live on a schedule and having things the way I need them that when something happens, I freak out and don't know what to do.


I just need to rewind. SUMMER please come.

The Hannah Montana movie was really cute. Although, the ending bugged me. And I like the soundtrack.

Just haven't been posting much. Sorry. But, technically, the only people who read my posts probably are living in my house, so, they already know whats up.

Warning: This blog is just a spilling of thoughts I've had for the last couple of weeks. Its really vague... I just feel stupid when I talk about things.

Lifes been good. Mama and Papa are in!! It's been weird adjusting to my new living situations, I haven't had a real good nights sleep yet, (not your fault, Molly), but I am sooo glad they are here!!

You have no idea how much I want this. I'm afraid if I wait, It'll never happen. But, it's all I've worked for, so if it doesn't happen, I don't know what I'll do.

... I wish I could just talk about things. Because I hold things in too much. I'm sure if I let it all out, I'd be a mess, but then, things would actually get better. Ya know?

School is really discouraging me. Everything I do I don't understand so I can't do it, then I don't like to ask questions, so I just have to figure out on my own. And I'm really behind in Newspaper, it really scares me. (But, in my defense, I've had to interview like 439743947398473 people. And that's not a joke.)

I've been kinda out of things to say lately. (Big surprise.) I got an 87 on my WHAP test. I think this time the bonus was only 5 points... making it an 82, which is still good. It's just, a lot of my friends got A's, so I'm a little disappointed. It's still good though.

Other than that- schools fine. Things are fine. Mama and Papa come in less than 2 weeks!! Which means that Summer is so close!! I can do it... I can do it...

But, that also means AP tests. Ah. I don't think I'm going to stress myself out about them- at least not the Spanish one. I probably will, but... I don't want to.

I've been kinda hard on myself lately.I don't really like that. I've just been really disappointed because things are awkward with one of my friends right now and we barely talk... which really stinks.

Oh, I do have something to say! UIL was on Friday (For theatre. I was not in it. But I did tech and I cam out and supported them.) In our zone was Cy Falls, Woods, Springs, Fair, and Jersey Village. I missed the Woods one but I saw the rest of them. Springs did a comedy called, "Bathroom Door". They are new to this with a new director, so it wasn't the best. It was cute, but it's not my kind of comedy. Falls did a play called "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot". It was really really really good. Major props. And I fell in love with the guy who played satan (LOL, I know.) But he did really good. Which is funny cause he was only on stage for like 10 minutes at the most... and he ended up winning best actor, but he deserved it. We did Paganini and it was AWESOME. No joke, it was soo good. I was so proud of everyone. And Jersey Village did "Diviners" another good one. The main character was a Freshman who looked like he was 10 hah. But he did good. Anyways, we didn't advance which was so upsetting. But, it's okay. Woods and Falls advanced. So everyone was disappointed but everyone did so good. I was real proud. It's sad to have to end though.

I really love Isaiah.

chapter 24:
4 The earth dries up and withers,
the world languishes and withers,
the exalted of the earth languish.

One thing I know: God does not fail or fade away.

I wrote this before I got my braces off, but never finished it. I decided I should just post this anyways.

I am getting my braces off on Wednesday! So close!
So, I decided to put down the major things that happened in my life while wearing braces.

-Started highschool.
-Got my first callbacks
-Made my first highschool play
-Made my first CAPA play
-Got a speaking role in a highschool play
-Went out of the country for the first time
-Rode on a plane for the first time
-Visited Ukraine
-Went to the Black Sea
-Got second in my class
-Went on a cruise
-Played the Wicked Witch
-Was on video team at church!
-Made the band (for a while)
-First HS camp!
-Got my first cell phone!
-Broke my first cell phone
-Got my second phone (my fave. oh how I miss it)
-Lost my second phone
-Got my third phone! (hehe)
-Got recommended for newspaper and accepted.
-Got an A on a WHAP test (that's a big accomplishment.)
-Went to a Jonas Brothers concert (LOL).
-Went to the Hannah Montana rodeo.

... and there have been more. But those are just the ones that I could think of at the top of my head.

I'll post a little about SA tomorrow. Not much to report, it was fun, but not many stories to tell.

But, on Thursday, Grandma had gotten out her scrapbooks of her life. Blake was not excited to be forced to look through them, but I found them so interesting! I so wish I had been born in the 40's in a small town like Potter. And every picture looked like those pics you see on cards with the kids. It was so beautiful. I love seeing how people grew up and where. I love pictures in general, and wish these days that we didn't take taking pictures so lightly. I wish every picture was as beautiful as the ones in the scrapbook. And, Grandma had been in a lot of plays in highschool. I did not know that. And, there was a review on one she was in and she got some really good reviews. So maybe that's where I got my acting love/talent from. (; It's so cool to see how far people have come through pictures. Seriously.

Once you choose your path, whatever path it may be, you are going to be close-minded. So, you can't use that as an excuse why other paths are wrong.

It really bugs me when people go out of their way to say they don't like people or music or movies or whatever. Like, I don't like rap music, but I don't post bulletins or blogs or put on my profile that I hate rap music and anyone who likes rap music is stupid. And who are you to say what good music is? I mean, who says your music is the good music, what if your taste is really a bad taste and mine is good? And obviously they are doing something right, if it's gotten them where they are today. You don't have to like them, but you don't have to be so against them either.