So, I am here alone in the apartment I will be staying at for a month and a half. I don't mind being alone. So far, lol. It's given me... time. I'm thankful for work where I can be with people. And for an easy job. But... one that for the most part keeps moving.

So, through a number of not-so-fun and crazy events- I got to experience a lot of God this weekend. And a lot of love. The weekend definitely did not go the way I had it planned in my head, and there was a lot of tears, but I'm so thankful for it.

God showed me this weekend that I, everyday, am fully loved by God. Nothing I do or do not do will change that. God loves me plain and simple. And everything He does is to get me to experience more of his love- and to want to love him in return!!!

God is so good!! Even though Carson saw it's death ( :((( ) God came in with his love. He was there with me and he was protecting me. I love God!!! God loves me!!! And like... wow. God. Ahhhhh. I can't help but smile and freak out in happiness when I think about him. He is SOOO good!!! AhhhH!!! Yeah, it stunk that I couldn't get to the wedding. And yeah, it was a little frustrating with all the car nonsense. And yeah, not everyday is happy and wonderful. And yeah, I get upset sometimes. And yeah, I still hurt. But-- God is faithful through all my emotional wreckness. He's okay when I cry. He's not like... mad that I cry. He comforts me through that. He reminds me of something better. But, he lets me grieve. He lets me feel those emotions. GOD IS SO GOOD!!! I don't deserve his friendship at all. Aghh. DFJ:DLFJ:DL. Like, I can't contain my joy!!!! Why why why is He so good? I don't know! I wish everyone knew. If they literally had any idea.

Also, it's funny because I've been praying for a long long long time to be able to cry. And this last semester I had a lot of things that I just really wanted to... feel something for them. I don't know if that makes sense. But, it would help me get over them to grieve them. And I prayed and prayed that God would let me cry about things. Help me cry. And he has kinda answered my prayers in that. I cried a lot these past couple weeks. About random things. I mean, not random things. Real things. But a wide spectrum of things. So, ya know, be careful what you pray for. But, I don't regret things. I invite in hardships!! Kinda. Lol.

#GOGOD

Hey guys. I haven't blogged in a long long time. Partly because I had to blog for my class last semester. And anything I put on here went to this other blog that my class read. So I was scared to post. Then, I was scared once the class was over that it would still do that. I can't even really promise that I'll post a lot. And I honestly don't know if any of you will ever see this.

But, I guess... update since last I blogged. Or, probably not since I last blogged. Just... I don't know.

The thing I love about Christianity is that you can be as real as you are; you can come with every bad thought, every emotion, every 'issue' in your life, but you don't have to dwell in it. In the world's system, it was all about trying to figure a way out of it. And I always was left frustrated. And so I would sit and just dwell in everything. Or... somethings I would choose from the beginning to dwell in my anger and unforgiveness or whatever other crap I was in. Now, I can stand before God and tell him that I am really angry, and then He sets me free from that anger!!! I don't have to live in anger. I don't have to live in fear. I don't have to live in jealousy. I don't have to live in depression. When those things comes up, I don't try to run or pretend they don't exist or brush them off my shoulder. I take them to the God of the Universe, the God who created this world and me and I tell him what's up. And then He for whatever reason comes in and saves me from them. I don't have to try to be something I'm not. I don't have to try to figure out the right thing to say. I just have to go to Jesus. He is my refuge and my strength.

God created me. God fashioned me into my very being. Like-- He created Bethany. He created my personality, my physical body, my heart, my soul, my mind. I am who I am because of God. And he wants to have a relationship with me. He wants nothing more than to be my closest friend. He died on a CROSS so he could sit across from me and talk with me. So he could walk this crazy road we called life with me. He loves me enough to not keep me the broken, sinner I am. He doesn't have to do a thing. He can just leave me to die. He could just leave this world to suffer and die. But, he didn't. He LOVES us! He created us because He wanted us. He wanted us to enjoy him back. He wants us to want him. He wants us to love him. He wants us to give him all the honor, praise, and glory.

I was created for God. It's not about me. I was created to bow down before his throne and worship. I was created for relationships.

God is so good. The Christian life is not boring. The Christian life is not rules. It is fun. It is an adventure. And it is the most real life there is. There is nothing more real than God. There is nothing more real than love. The Christian life isn't easy. But, God is so much better than an easy life. God is so much better than a good life.

That's kinda where I am at right now.

Sorry I haven't been blogging much (personally... for not the class stuff). It's just... busy here.

I love college. I wish I could tell you all about it. I'll hopefully write down some things. But, theatre is awesome. College is cool. Not too stressful yet. I am keeping up with my classes so far. Nothing that has made me cry yet. Miss my family. Miss my home. Miss HNW. But, I love Antioch. Love lifegroup (we went tortilla tossing tonight!!! It was connected to the lesson... lol). Love WILOWY (Hilary) and my friends here. So, things are good. :)

This is a really funny video that goes very well with what we have been talking about with regards to technology dependency. We take all the cool gadgets we have for granted, and get frustrated when they are taken away. I like his point where he said we act like we think people owe us something. We do kinda go about as if we have a right to these technologies, and if they are taken away it's an offense to us. It's good sometimes to sit back and poke fun at our hold and attachment to technology, and I think he does a good job on it.

But, watch the video!! It is really funny.

Bethany

So, I am here cleaning my room (or trying to, haha.. it just keeps getting more messy cause I have so much stuff I have no idea what to do with) and I came across some notes I had taken on the preparation day (or whatever it's called) for the Edenburg Mission Trip. The pastor asked us to think about and write down what we want to see God do in and through our own lives.

This is what I wrote: I wanna see God speak to my heart and completely fill me with His presence. I wanna have the power of Jesus inside me, so I can fulfill God's purposes on this trip. I wanna be filled with genuine love and out pour it on the people we meet. I want to not be afraid. Ephesians 3:20-21 (this was a verse given to us, I didn't just think it up or anything) "to Him who is able to do FAR MORE abundantly than all that we ask or think"

I've had this little piece of paper since the mission trip, but I guess I've just never read it over again. But, I just did, and let me tell you... God did all that and basically only that. I mean, not only or whatever, but those were the things that I came out of this trip. He's... He's so amazing. When I read this I just started crying because I am just so in awe of His goodness and His sovereignty. We worship a wonderful God.

but sometimes I wonder if I love God because of who He is or what He does. I sometimes wonder if I seek Him daily to further the gospel/greater his fame/give Him glory, or so He can give me what I want (no matter how Biblical it is... like wisdom, discernment, a humble mind, a new heart, love for people). I mean, is it bad to seek Him to get those things? I mean, obvs not, but when it's the sole thing you are seeking. I should being seeking God to find God. Not to gain stuff. Ya know? It's scary though, cause I don't know how to change my hearts desires. I mean, I know that it's God who changes my desires... but then I think why do I want him to change my desires? So people can see how good of a christian I am, or so I can be more like Christ. Do I want him to change my desires cause I know it's the right thing to do, or cause I totally hate who I was?

Am I thinking about this too much? I don't know.

I have no idea!!! He is just sooo amazing!!!!!

(I am loving this Esther study, btws.)

So, I leave for Baylor in 6 days. WHATTHEHECK. And this time, I'm not coming back. (Well, I am... but not for a while.) Crazy. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like. I am really excited. Like, I actually am. But I am also scared to death. Partly cause I have NO idea why I am in the theatre program. Like, I know (or really believe) that God led me there and put me there (lol... I don't think it was by talent alone I got in to the program, haha)... but I just don't know why. And I know that I'm not supposed to know. But, it just scares me. I'm really afraid God is going to call me out of the program, and I'll just be one of those people that didn't make it all the way through. Which is such a selfish reason to not want God to do that... but, that thought has crossed my mind. Or, maybe he won't. Maybe I'll go and I'll fit right in and I'll actually succeed. I just... don't know where it'll take me. God has changed me sosososososo much these past couple years. It's crazy. But, just be praying for me for my anxiety in that area. I'm not worried about making friends or having a good time, I'm more just worried about what God is going to do in my life. And.... that is not something I should worry about!!!!! God has it under control, and I know He does. I just... need to learn to be okay with not knowing.


Btws, I really love God. Like. You have no idea. He is just SO good.

This isn't a birthday post. But, it is my birthday :)

Probs a little heavy subject on my birthday... but, it hit me last night.

This summer I have kinda been in a Christian bubble. Like, I've hung out with like 2 of my school friends maybe twice. And I have been constantly around my christian friends. Getting close to them, encouraging them. Although, not all of them (well none of them) are perfect, but it's been really nice for me.

But last night I finally got to catch up with my school friends. Well, my closest school friends. And I love it. I love them, you know? But.... sometimes I am astounded by my lack of love for them.

Sometimes I really wish that I could just keep my faith to myself. Me and my christian friends can certainly grow with each other. But, when we're with 'wordly' friends or whatever, we can just stay quiet about that stuff. Talk with them, not be ashamed. But... no responsibility.

And I know that's not Biblical at all. But, I sometimes wished that was the way it was. And I know God's plan is infinitely better. I know it's part of his character and plan. He is the perfect and righteous judge.

I just... I don't know how to evangelize. I mean, with some of my friends who are really close we talk about it sometimes. But, I know that I never shared the WHOLE truth. And they were believing false doctrine. Because I was afraid to call them out or whatever. And others, I've tried and just given up. And others I am so scared to even try. Which, I mean, I think that's the way it is for everyone. But.. I just feel like... I don't know. I just, hell scares the whatever out of me. Thinking that I know people who will go to the hell brings me to tears. Which would lead me to TELL them. But, I am in this like... I don't even know. I just sit there and want to like be like "alright hey I'm going to share the gospel." But, I always talk myself out of it. And like... it's so stupid to be scared to lose the friendship... cause guess what? If I don't tell them I will lose SO much more than that. Like, not that I lose their soul. But, I feel like I forfeit it for them. Not that I am the only one that they'll meet to share the gospel. But, you know what I mean.

It's such a hard responsibility we have. But, obvs God is going to give us what we need to handle it. He is not going to give us an impossible task. He is going to lead me on. I guess... practically it's harder to know exactly what are good ways to "go about it". I don't even know. I mean, I've heard countless techniques and they are all good. I just... need discernment in the situation.

I need a whole buttload of discernment. In a lot of different areas. I'm prayin'.

*Disclaimer: I am learning this lesson too. I am number one at looking in the mirror and not fully content with what I see. I was full of jealousy for my whole life, wishing I could look like other girls. I always thought that if I only had a boyfriend, I would feel pretty or what not. So when I say "girls" "them" "you" or whatever, know this is not me judging them. Cause I am talking to myself as well.

Proverbs 31:31
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised"

I know plenty of girls who love this verse. They put it on their facebook or in their bathrooms or room or whatever. They talk about how true it is and how they want to be that fearful woman of God. Then, in 5 minutes they are looking in the mirror complaining about something they don't like on their face. Or just calling themselves ugly/fat, etc, or they are ripe with jealousy. This society chases beauty like no other. Beauty is the prize. If I could just be beautiful, then I would be happy. It's what we all think. But, if you look back at this verse. It says beauty is vain (or in other translations it says "fleeting").

Let me back up for a second. I've been trying to kind of... re-build my foundation of what I believe or what not. Taking out the lies that I am ugly, stupid, not good enough... whatever junk I said. And replacing them with what God had said. I told someone that if a thought comes in your head that doesn't sound like something Jesus would say to you, then it is probably a lie from the devil. She then asked me where in the Bible it says "you are pretty" or whatever. And I was like, "Well... I am sure it's somewhere." So, I went to my Bible, obvs... looked up in the concordance 'beautiful' and 'beauty' was there too. So... I stared looking at the verses. Most of them were kinda irrelevant (I mean, to the subject of us being beautiful. They are relevant to other things though, cause they are in the Bible.) And I found some good you know... you are precious verses. Or what not. BUT, I also found 2 verses, the first being the famous Proverbs one, and another from James.

James 1:11
"For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits."

Anyways... and I realized that when we chase so hard after being beautiful, we miss Jesus. I mean, not necessarily. But... it's something that distracts us. It's like money, in that sense. And another thing I realize is beauty, like every other thing, perishes. If we chase after beauty, and even gain it... it's going to go away. When we die, even before we die, beauty passes. It's not everlasting, it's not eternal, and it's not what we should base our life pursuing.

The verse is true. Those who fear after the Lord are beautiful in his sight. And this is not saying that all Christians have to be ugly, or can't worry about how the look or what not. But, we need not be tied down by it! We need not be jealous, we need not be focused on being beautiful! Because, as believers, when God looks at our heart he sees Christ, and Christ is beautiful. Therefore, WE are beautiful.

Also, in the picture of Christ and his church being the Bride. I mean, we are the Bride. We are the most beautiful girl in her white dress on her wedding day that you could ever imagine. We ARE beautiful. And Jesus won't be able to take his eyes off of us on his wedding day. (I mean, techincally we won't be able to take our eyes of of HIM, since he's more beautiful...but you get my point.)

And, I mean, Song of Solomon (I could be wrong) is like a love song between Christ and his bride... and all through that He is just talking about how beautiful we are. As we are to Him.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time." HE makes us beautiful. He is the reason we are beautiful.

Also, when the Lord does talk about beauty and whatnot, he usually is referring to the heart. In 1 Peter 3:4 Peter says, "but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." We are precious in His sight, when our heart shines forth in a humble, beautiful manner. And you know the verse "God looks at the heart". Beauty is truly from the inside out. The heart truly does affect how the person "looks".

So, basically, we can't put our hope in beauty. We can't chase after it. It goes away. But, we can put our hope in Christ- who makes us beautiful.

I just went through my whole blog and deleted a bunch of them. Not that you would ever notice. I just... somethings I said. I don't know, I knew very little back then. But, thank God for progression! (Literally).

Anyways, I have never been good at blogging. But I will still blog when things come to my mind. Love yall guys.

One area in my life that has, I guess, brought me the most "pain" or whatever was friendships/relationships. But, I think this past summer God has been teaching me more about them. Well, not really. But showing me more my pride in how I reacted to friendships, and setting me free from some pain or whatever. I don't really know if that makes sense. But, I'll just start talking and hopefully it'll be clearer.

I used to always feel left out. Like, there was no way I was happy cause some friend was not involving me in every detail of their life. Or if I wasn't there number 1 friend, I was overcome with jealousy. A lot of these feelings I couldn't help, I would try to forget them... but they just took over my life. Even this past month there were some friends who really "hurt my feelings" because they were basically ignoring me. Now, it does hurt. Trust me. It's not fun being left out. Feeling not good enough. But, I have learned a lot in just this past month about all this. A lot of it was pride. In fact, 99% of it was my pride. I wanted people to be totally wrapped up in me, and that was the only way I was happy. Cause, let's be honest, it feels GREAT when you are included.

But, anyways, I started learning some stuff about it. And honestly, I'm not going to over-spiritualize it. Cause it's not really spiritual lessons I mean, I think God started opening my eyes up to my sin that was the driving force behind it... but yeah...

1. I learned that not everyone can be friends with everyone. So, "cliques" I believe are okay. And honestly, I think people overreact when they see a group of 5 girls or whatever sticking together. They immediately think they are exclusive and hate everyone else. When really, I just think, especially for believers, it's important to have a small group of really close friends. Not saying that if someone tries to approach you you exclude them, but... if no one is approaching, I don't think it's wrong if you aren't trying to make friends with every single person. As my mom put it, people don't run in packs of 20.

2. It's okay if friends hang out without you. The world will go on. This is something that isn't a spiritual thing I learned, but a fact that I had to come to grips with. Sometimes... things happen. People hang out without you. They don't hate you, they don't even don't want to spend time with you. Sometimes hangouts just happen without a specific plan, sometimes it's easier to do things with a smaller group, or maybe what you are doing is something that no one else would appreciate/understand. I would literally go crazy when I saw other people hanging out without me. Now, I feel like sometimes you just want to know why they didn't invite you when you're a simple phone call away, but... you are not going to be invited to every event ever. (and when I say you... I'm talking to myself really.) And I've learned that it's okay. My pride likes to slip in and sometimes it still stings, but I'm learning.

3. Sometimes you need to just include yourself. This is a little tricky, cause you don't want to over include yourself... but I always thought if they didn't ask you, to not kinda speak up. Like, if my friends were whispering I would freak out and just sit there silently not saying anything, when a simple "what are you talking about?" they would probably explain. And, again... not all the time. Sometimes you don't want to be nosy or what not. But, in some cases it's okay to jump in a picture without being asked, or jump in a circle of friends without the invite. A lot of times people want you there, they just... didn't say anything.

4. It's probably in your head. People leaving you out or excluding you have no idea they are doing it. Trust me. So, either they are just oblivious or it's just in your head. And sometimes, it's the latter. Sometimes they are leaving you out and you probably should say something... but, other times it's just you.

5. You won't be apart of every joke. Kinda like #2. Sometimes things happen and you missed it. So you won't be a part of that joke. I used to hate that. I would want to feel included in EVERY aspect of that other friendship. But, it's impossible. It's not them hating on me. It was my pride getting hurt cause people were wrapped up in me all the time. Trust me, you'll be a part of enough jokes to satisfy yourself.

There's probably more. It's really freeing when you realize that when the whole world isn't focused on you completely, doesn't mean they all hate you. It's sometimes hard for me cause I spent most of my life feeling worthless because people had other friends. Stupid, but true. One thing that helps: Jesus is ALWAYS available. He is ALWAYS my friend. He will ALWAYS have time for me, and he doesn't have to share the attention. We can sit and chat and laugh for HOURS and it's just me and him. He's mine. This all is bringing me to a place of more reliance and need for Jesus. He meets my needs. He truly does.


Just... some thoughts. Hopefully if you struggle with this too, you'll think about these things.

What? I can barely believe it myself. This year has just flown by. But... I am glad it is over, honestly.

Well, so I promised I had a lot to post about... and I still do, I don't remember everything. But I'll try to get my thoughts out.

Last night the family was talking and stuff and I guess just telling me what they thought of me or whatever, and like it got me thinking about what I thought of myself in this past year. Or not really, just... I guess looking back on the last year. And like, I just was kind of overwhelmed how much I grew. Like, I've said all year (or I guess all semester) that I have really grown this year. But, I didn't even realize how much because it was all really gradual and really just... subtle. But I grew. And it gave me some encouragement. Because May was really hard for me. I was skipping out on quiet times because I have just been so lazy lately. Like I don't want to do anything. But sit at the computer. And so then I was like... I need prayer for that, and I just need to do my quiet times. But I was so lazy IN my quiet times as well. So... I don't know. I was really discouraged and just upset and just whatever. And there was also other stuff that made this month kinda stinky. And that stuff was contributing to my lack of focus on God and whatnot. But, I don't know... last night, I guess just made me realize that God has been working in my life. And everything is not in vain. And, I have been seeking God. Maybe not in these last couple weeks, but I have. And at the end of the day honestly I can say that I love God. Like, I used to not be able to say it. I mean, like I would say it but in my heart I would be like "I don't even know how to love God". But now I have full confidence that I love God. I don't love him as much as I should. But, my love for Him overflows.

But, this year things God has been teaching me: He's been teaching me about a pursuit of holiness. Feed the Spirit. Starve the Flesh. (As my sissy says). It's hard. But, I've learned that even stuff that people don't think are "sin" can really hinder your pursuit of Christ. Things affect you. And you can say, "I won't participate in that" but then you fill your mind with everything concerning that, and it really affects you. And I learned this year that it does affect me. So, I've been trying to just go after Jesus and giving up anything that in any way causing me to sin. Or, just... distracts me. I don't know, I think you get what I'm saying.

He taught me about faith. Every time we take like a "spiritual gift" test, faith is always the winner for me. But this year, Jesus really taught me that I could have so much more! And that fear is the opposite of faith. And to trust him more. It's hard. But, my faith definitely has increased!

He's taught me about his love. I think, honestly, in the Breaking Free series the week about God's love is really what I think made everything click for me. It's the week that I think really jump started my growth and my... I don't know.... love and devotion for Jesus. He's taught me how wonderful his love is and it keeps me going in the hardest of days! Even though, sometimes I still seek for the love of man, and I get all funky when I don't get it... I still remember God loves me and it, it warms me up. And he taught me that his presence is really where I want to be. Or showed me? Or made me realize? But, I love being with him. And, this last month I felt I wasn't even seeking his presence. And so, I don't think I was getting it. And sometimes I don't feel him there. But the days I do, it gives me so much joy!!

He's taught me about community. I don't really want to get into this cause I could talk for hours. But, he's really taught me a lot about this.

He's taught me more about prayer. I used to not be good at prayer. I'd pray for like a second right before I go to bed. Or... some stages in my life I would only pray and not read the Bible. But, even that prayer was kinda shallow. God really showed me just... the power of prayer! And gave me a love for prayer more. I get a little overwhelmed sometimes because I have SO much I want to pray for... and I don't know how to physically commit myself to praying for it all. So, I have been asking Him to show me more in that aspect. But, I have grown to just... love it more.

He's convicted me of some sins, and then be so ready to forgive and restore. Which was awesome.

I don't know... I think there was more !!! if I think of it I'll write it down.. then hopefully post about it. hahaha.


Welp, here's to my next phase in life!

Happy Good Friday! :)

I just want to say that I have a loootttt of stuff that I want to blog about. And a lot of stuff I'm learning. And a lot of stuff I need to work on. I just.... need to make time to write it all down.

But yeah, I'm still here!

Jesus is so much better than any dirty joke.
Jesus is so much better than any TV Show.
Jesus is so much better than any love story I could watch/read/conjure up.
Jesus is so much better than any boy.
Jesus is so much better than sarcasm.
Jesus is so much better than curse words.
Jesus is so much better than a religion.
Jesus is so much better than Church on Sunday.
Jesus is so much better than the most inspirational celebrity.
Jesus is so much better than the most 'good' person.
Jesus is so much better than Facebook.
Jesus is so much better than any career.
Jesus is so much better than partying.
Jesus is so much better than drugs or alcohol.
Jesus is so much better than the media.
Jesus is so much better than this culture.
Jesus is so much better.

This is so hard to learn.

I am realizing that more and more. I am a horrible friend. I have minimal talent. I am bitter. I get frustrated easily. I am not extremely intelligent.

But through Jesus I am called beautiful, a daughter of the King, the Bride of Christ, forgiven, set free, loved. And I am able to love, forgive, have patience, peace and joy in the darkest hours.

Thank God for these promises. And I have faith they are true. I know I am forgiven by God. I just wonder if the ones I've done wrong to could ever forgive me as well?

There is no looking back. I wanna dive into Jesus and his love and grow hungry for Him!!! He is my every breath and my food and my living water!!!

I've wrestled with the doubts that Jesus is worth it for a while. I mean, I wasn't going to turn away. But... I just, was so unsure. But, now I can say I am committed!!! I wanna follow Jesus. I want to run hard after Him.

(There was no particular reason for me to suddenly make this choice. I just, got an overwhelming sense of His presence, love, and goodness tonight. Lol, just sitting at my desk.)

Dear Jesus,
don't let this be just an emotion. Let this be a burning heart for you! And for nothing else. Because it's all junk. It's all withering trash that doesn't satisfy. You are the way, the truth and the life. Amen.

I'm soooorrrrryyyyy I don't post. I'm going to try to get back into the habit of posting. Cause I feel like I now have something to talk about. I don't know.

I'm not going to post about school/theatre. Nothing has changed in that area.

Buuuut, I wanted to talk about Edinburg!!! I won't really go into much detail about specific stories, I just kinda wanted to talk more about what God taught me. So, here we go:

So, the trip first off was good timing. The weeks leading up to Edinburg, I was just... well, everything kinda came crashing down on me. Insecurities popped up, theatre is just bleh, and I just... really didn't feel God's presence. I believed He was there, but... I couldn't feel Him. Which, I know that not everyday do we feel Him, but ... there was a big space of lacking. And I wanted so badly to have his presence in my life. And I wanted so badly to hear from him. And see Him move. I mean, I've wanted to stop waiting for a long time. I wrote in my journal a day or so before the trip, I just asked Him to not wait any longer to respond. I wanted Him to respond now! And I think God was definitely teaching me patience. But, I don't know... I felt like it was time. But, anyways... it's crazy now going back and seeing how God answered those prayers!

The first day I feel like I was kinda warming up. The worship was... well it was a lot more free than I'm used to. The people were so passionate and so in tune with what God was saying to them. And I just felt like, I don't know... not where they were. But, I realized that I could do one of two things: I could sit back and just watch what God does in others and not really put in my input because I am new and be quiet, or I could jump right in and be a part of it. I chose to do the latter, and... it was hard. But, I did it. I love the people. I've never been with a group of 50 people where every last one of them were so on fire for Jesus. It was amazing. I loved getting to talk to them. And pray with them. And I feel like I was so unified with everyone because we all prayed for and with each other. And, that really helped me love people that I otherwise may not have loved. (Not saying some were necessarily hard to love, but... I hope you know what I mean.)

The second day I really was committed to my decision to jump in. I was letting go of PRIDE and FEAR and God really opened my up. I was set free to worship in deeper ways, (and I can still go deeper) and to listen to his voice more clearly (and again, I still could listen even better). It took me longer to let go of my fear and need to be right (like, the last couple days), but this was all a learning process. I'm kinda not really going in days order. So.. sorry if this is confusing. But, anyways.... I started walking out in faith more. And it truly did bring blessings! And, again, I still have SO much to learn about all that.

One thing that I also "learned", I guess, was more about God's power! And his willingness to show his power! And our authority to take that power and use it! We got to pray over many people to heal them from diseases, sicknesses, and pains. And, many we saw immediate results. Which was awesome. And I got to experience that myself! Which, I am so thankful for! Some were not immediate (or we could not tell because it was like.. high blood pressure or heart attacks or something) But, in faith I am believing God will heal! And it's so strange cause now that is so normal to me! Radical became the normal was something we said. But, now, it's like "duh, of course you would pray for healing!" ha.

And I got to SOAK in God's presence and the filling of the Holy Spirit SO much. It was suuuch an answered prayer and one of my favorite parts. The worship sessions at the beginning of the days were SO good because God was truly there with us. And the last day we basically had a dance party but it was worshiping Jesus at the same time. It was sooo much fun! If any non Christians, or even Christians, think that Jesus isn't fun- they're wrong! It was the best.

I also got to see more JOY in my life for doing the works of God and basically what we're made to do. And.. that was a big change in my life! I was just jumping off the walls every night! (or.... most nights.) And even hearing the stories of others were just... so faith building. Oh YEAH- my faith increased SO much this week as well.

Some of the stuff was hard. Like, we talked about brokenness and then holiness and purity. And... well I'm still struggling with, I guess, realizing God is worth the pursuit to holiness. And... it's all stupid but I am having trouble, just, starving my flesh. But, it's not extremely hard. I've just.... cried a lot. ahha. Well, you are probably imagining myself bawling. So, I cried a lot for ME. so like... 10 tears. hahah But, we'll see.

I guess that's it. One thing that kinda scares me, and it probably shouldn't: But this weekend I've really reconsidered going to Baylor. I mean, there is in Antioch at Waco I can plug in to, but I just fell in love with the Belton people this week. And... I so badly want to be there next year. But, I want to do theatre and drama ministry and all that stuff. so...... I don't know. We will see. It is all depending now if I get IN. Cause if I don't- I think the choice is easy. But, if I do.... then I may struggle a little.

But, basically, God wrapped it all up and is teaching me and bringing it all back to LOVE. Love is real. Love if life. Love is what we were created for. To love and be loved. By JESUS! And so when things seem overwhelming, I just go back to love. Love God. Love others.

So yeah! Be praying for me!

This has been something that I have never really known how to do. And I don't know if there is one way... but, how do you evangilize? Or... what is the best way do you think to spread the gospel to your friends?

I am so thankful for parents who are not only good parents, but great spiritual leaders. Who love the Lord and help me grow in my spiritual walk with the Lord. Because, if they didn't, I know it'd be hard for me to keep pressing on. So, thank you.

It's been almost two months since I blogged. I don't know where the time went. I don't have time to update you now, but I just want to let you know things are going better now.

ONE MONTH TILL UIL!!!!!!!!!! (Pray that I get a part. Knock wood.)