Oh, dang. I thought I have posted more recently then this.

Well, I'm in San Antonio! Coulter is here with us as well, so we are having fun.

I just wanted to talk a little (or show... maybe) about what I learned at camp and such. It may all be irrelevant and scrambled, but I mainly wanted to put a few verses down.

Exodus 34: 5
"The LORD descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD."
God comes to meet us, or rather, He is already there and His life proclaims glory to Him.

1 John 3:6
"No one who abides in Him keeps on sinning"
pretty heavy stuff

John 12:20
"Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit."
Talking about both Jesus and us. He died so we could have life. And we die so He can live through us.
He is the only good in us. And, unless we die, we'll always be who we've always been.

John 12:35
"Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you."
Be faithful to what God has already given to us and spoken to us!

2 Thessalonians 3:5
"May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ."

It isn't much, and I still know nothing, but it was just something I wanted to share- rather then try to stumble through what I know.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords,
for his steadfast love endures forever;

4 to him who alone does great wonders,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
5 to him who by understanding made the heavens,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
6 to him who spread out the earth above the waters,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
7 to him who made the great lights,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
8 the sun to rule over the day,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
9 the moon and stars to rule over the night,
for his steadfast love endures forever;

10 to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
11 and brought Israel out from among them,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
12 with a strong hand and an outstretched arm,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
13 to him who divided the Red Sea in two,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
14 and made Israel pass through the midst of it,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
15 but overthrew [1] Pharaoh and his host in the Red Sea,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
16 to him who led his people through the wilderness,
for his steadfast love endures forever;

17 to him who struck down great kings,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
18 and killed mighty kings,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
19 Sihon, king of the Amorites,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
20 and Og, king of Bashan,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
21 and gave their land as a heritage,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
22 a heritage to Israel his servant,
for his steadfast love endures forever.

23 It is he who remembered us in our low estate,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
24 and rescued us from our foes,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
25 he who gives food to all flesh,
for his steadfast love endures forever.

26 Give thanks to the God of heaven,
for his steadfast love endures forever.

I feel like right now I'm in a time of waiting. Waiting for God to begin to unfold his plan and open doors. This year is a crucial year, so even though it's hard to be patient sometimes and not know, He is still good. (This verse doesn't really apply to what I just said, but it's a good Psalms and been on my mind and a good reminder to thank the Lord for all He's done and going to do.)

Viva la Espana!!

Yes, I know, there has been a lackage of posting. But I am very boring. So, nothing much to post about.

Summer has been good! I've just been hanging out really. I had my first day back at Gattis last Friday. It was hard. It was like the busiest night they've had all summer (according to Andrew.) It was one of the busiest I've ever worked. I don't want to work. Just 3 more weeks I guess. I'm not going to get as much money as I guessed/ would like... but I guess it's my fault for not getting a job. No job interests me. Really. I'll eventually have to get one, though. But the thought of working just makes me want to puke. Maybe when I get my paycheck I'll feel better.

Vacation was good! Tiring and filled with lots of stuff, but I had fun. It was good to get out and do stuff.

I am almost ready to get my license!!! I just have to finish level 7. Which won't take long. Then I'll send it in and go get my license! I'm so ready...

This kid was in the only UIL play that I watched. I kept thinking the whole time how cute he was, then he ended up standing next to me when getting our awards. Then he shook my hand and patted my shoulder! Haha. And Jill got a picture of us! :)



... I'm not creepy.

The Year of:
A ABS- Lyons!!
B Being broke
C The Coneheads
D Senior Directs
E Essays essays essays
F My two new fish!
G connecting everything back to Gilmore Girls
H Health class ;)
I Impulse trips to Blockbuster
J stupid Judges
K Kayak anology
L Learners Permit :/
M Miracle!
N NHS cult
O OLYMPICS!
P Piano Practices
Q Quoting Miracle speech/ That Thing You Do/ LOTR/ Remember the Titans/ Dead Poets Society over and over.
R Rides with Beth Wiebe!
S Soccer games!
T Drama Club Treasurer!
U My first UIL show :)
V Mrs. Grabstald vs. Mrs. Raz ;)
W "Who does that?"... and everything else Mrs. Red did/said
X Xtremely obnoxious girls in my dance class.
Y "You're Walking Home!"
Z Lack of Zzzzz. (I have no idea)

I've been waiting for this since August. And each month has made me want it more and more. So, I guess I'll talk about the year.

All in all, it was a good year. It had a lot of bad times, but for the most part, I think it was real good.

1st Period Health
Not as bad as I thought it'd be. It was fun at times, but mostly boring. We watched a lot of good movies. And I had people to keep me occupied. ;)

2nd Period English
A really good class. It was hard and kicked my butt all year, but I learned so much. I am so much better at writing and organizing than I was when I came. Mrs Grabstald is an awesome teacher, really. And I met Kari in that class. :)

3rd Period Dance
I SURVIVED!!! IT'S OVER!!!

4th Period APUSH
I liked the class. It was easy. It wasn't my favorite class because I didn't have very many friends in there. But, it wasn't a super hard class. I'm glad it's over though. And, sadly, I do miss the laptops. I have nothing to watch movies on anymore. ;)

5th Period Theatre
Awesome. I'll have one more year of this class. So, don't have to say goodbye to it yet.

6th Period Physics
I'll miss the people. I'm so glad it's over. But I did enjoy it. I met a lot of friends in there and will miss it a lot.

7th Period PreCal
You have no idea how much I am going to miss this class! Like seriously. It was the funnest class ever. And Mrs. RED is awesooommmee. She was my favorite teacher (besides Koern) this year.

This year I became more social. Hahah, but with the same like, 10 people. Which, isn't a bad thing. I'm so excited to be a senior!

Things to do this summer:
-LICENSE (My goal is JULY)
-Find a job. (I'm not giving up... I'm going to apply to Ruckus Room.)
-RELAX
-Hang out with people I want to hang out with multiple times.

But, yeah. Summer has been awesome so far!

Whenever I am not in control of a situation, or can't plan it out down to the minutes... I tend to get real nervous about said situation.

For instance, I am so nervous about this summer. I'm sure it'll be great and it'll all work out... but I'm so afraid. I have to find a job, I have mission trip and camps, things to get done, and still have room to breathe. You know?

But... hopefully it'll work out.

I don't know why because I spend a good chunk of my time on the other side of town. But it always seems to be the day that I have the most time. And it's nice. And... it pretty much means the end of the week for me because I love Friday's no matter what.

I don't really have much point to this blog, but I felt I should blog.

I had a really weird dream last night. And I don't know why I was so weirded out about it... but, it just made me feel really uncomfortable. Basically, this one girl that I used to be best friends with but haven't talked to in forever (but see regularly) came up to me and asked me about an inside joke and then we just kinda spent a while talking about our old inside jokes. And I don't know why I dreamed about that. I mean... I don't know why I care so much. But, it's just weird seeing her.

And then we were performing the WoL and I couldn't remember my lines. Kinda sad. But... I actually do know them still.

I really really really really hate being the middle man. The one caught in the middle of conflict. It's happen to me countless times and all that ends up happening is I hurt people. I wish I was more confrontational... or just not afraid of awkward situations.

I've just been thinking about this recently and I was reminded how true it was.

I can't put my hope in worldy things. I can't put my hope in theatre, or in plays. I can't put my hope in my dreams. I can't put my hope in friends, even the best of friends. I can't put my hope in relationships. I can't put my hope in school.

All these things have failed me. And left me empty.

"Only you can fill my soul."

He has never failed me. And never will.

So put my hope in Him and Him only. Why is it so much harder than it sounds?

Sorry I've been so down lately. I'm okay. Really. I just... have nothing to do anymore. Nothing to stress out about. So... all I can do is think.

I don't really have much to blog about. I just want you to know that I'm still upset, and even more upset at times, but I'm not crying all the time or anything.

Today is District for UIL... so I'm a little more upset. Also, I've gotten a lot of congrats/great show compliments lately, but it just makes it worse. Also, Phaedra was apparently not too good. That's what Eliza said. Woooooooh. Thanks judge. I'm sorry... I don't like to dislike people, and try not too... but I seriously can't find anything in her to like. Urrrrchhhhh. Every time I think about it and her, I just want to know what was going on in her head. Why was she our judge?!! Cause she didn't even like Falls. And, I found out we actually made the alternate position. Not 4th place that we thought. So, cool? I guess. I don't know. Cy Ridge wrote Mrs. Koern an email saying how much they loved our show and how suprised they were that they advanced and not us. Which, as much as it is flattering, makes it worse. I miss UIL so much. I miss rehearsals. I miss my character. I miss the cast. Bllllaaaahhhhh.

I did get my SAT scores today... 2030!!!! :))) I didn't think I'd do so good. I'm so proud of myself. Ha. And I don't really want to take it again. Ha, but I think my mom may want me to. We'll see.

I wish this weekend never happened. It’s been one of the worst weekends in a long while. But, then again, it was so good.

We put on a great show. Honestly. Mrs. Koern was so proud of us and so happy for us. She was so pleased with our performance. I was pleased. I don’t think I’ve ever left a play without being a little bit unsatisfied with how I played. But, I mean… I felt in my place on that stage. Mrs. Koern had so much confidence in me. When we walked into our room after leaving the stage- you wouldn’t believe the relief and happiness we felt. We did it. We really did. It felt so good. And it wasn’t just that we had fun and we felt we did our best. We moved people. The whole audience was crying. Everyone loved it. It was a good show.

Then comes Awards Ceremony. We all got dressed up. It was exciting. I got All Star Cast. I mean, it’s a big deal I think. This was my first time to really get awarded for my acting. It felt good. Eliza got Best Actress. But it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t good enough. It’s happened like once or twice that a person’s school who got Best Actor/Actress didn’t advance. When I heard “Phraedra” instead of “The Women of Lockerbie” it was like… that was the end. The end. I didn’t really know what to do. It was like… I was so sure and felt so good that I knew we could do it. But, still, not hearing our name seemed too familiar. There was a two minute break before the judge’s comments and I didn’t really know what to do. I talked with my family but I couldn’t really be excited about my award. I was just stunned. Saddened.

And saddened turned into hurt which turned into anger. The whole time I was thinking while she was talking to Cy Springs that it was over. My journey with Madeline with over. In a week or two I’d never have to live through the pain and grief of her anymore. I was done. But once she got done with Cy Springs I expected her to move to Langham Creek or whoever but then she called out Cy Fair. I couldn’t believe it. And that stung even worse. Were we that bad? And while she spoke to us in an insensitive way (after saying how bad she felt for Cy Springs so she didn’t take off 10 points for their lighting problems… “It happens.”) I became so angry. I felt so stupid with my medal and with my flowers and I felt stupid for crying. I really hate crying in front of people. Especially when I’m not the only one. I don’t know why… but I feel so stupid. But, I couldn’t help it. It was like I kept getting slapped in the face.

It wasn’t that there were two plays that were better than us (and I’ve heard from more than one source that we were better than the one that advanced), it was that she didn’t like our play. She just… didn’t like it. And I don’t understand why. I don't know how I could've done better. I mean... I could've done better I'm sure. I wasn't perfect. But, what could we have done to make it better? Cause nothing in her critiques told us. I’ve gone over our performance again and again and I don’t understand. I’ve gone over the response of the crowd. We put the whole crowd in tears. We moved our audience. That’s what any actor wants from a performance. They weren’t distracted by bad acting or bad lights or bad sound because there wasn’t any. They were taken in and believed every word we said. I’ve gone over the feeling when we walked back into the room. I’ve gone over how nervous we didn’t feel because we were confident in our performance. I mean, we weren’t like there was no way we wouldn’t advance, but we felt good about what we did. But, not only did we not advance. She was so insulting. We didn’t even get alternate position. We were 2nd to last. We were one up from a school that has not put on one show this whole year. I watched the play that got alternate, and honestly I’m puzzled. Did she really think we were that bad? And all she did was insult us.

First off, she starts with, “I’m mad at you.” And went on to say how it’s unfair that we all didn’t advance and what not. Yeah, okay. Next time we’ll do horrible so you won’t have such a hard time picking. Sounds like a good plan.
She also says it’s a “hostile atmosphere” and she would hurry so we could “attack her car.” We were sitting their politely and quietly waiting to hear where we went wrong. And I still don’t know. I still don’t know.
“In my opinion, today, it didn’t work.” Well, would it have worked if we performed it tomorrow? Huh? “It’s just my opinion, it doesn’t matter.” YES IT DOES. You are the only one who has any input on who gets to go. It matters to us. Does that not count?

Then, she tells us our accents were “fair.” But she wanted them to be, “Good. Better. Best.” (direct quote.) That made me so mad- and I didn’t even speak in an accent. What are you going off? How do you know what an accurate Scottish accent looks like? Are you just going by Groundskeeper Willy? Is that what you want us to sound like? Or Shrek? I mean we got help from a lady who lived in Scotland. We knew what we were doing.

She comments on silly things like the luggage wasn’t heavy enough, the rocks weren’t jagged enough, it didn’t seem cold enough. One: the luggage was heavy. I carried them. Two: We had to sit on the rocks (UIL rule), therefore your logic doesn’t make sense. Three: What did you want us to do? Shiver? We had on layers of clothes- which usually keeps people warm. I was numb to the cold. The cold was the last thing on our minds when the Scots were trying to get the clothes back and I was running the hills going crazy.

All she says to me is that I forced it too much at times. Fair comment. I guess. She somewhere in there complimented me instead. Honestly, I was just trying to stop myself from crying in front of her. But, I don’t know what to do with her comment- I don’t really know where to fix it. But, Mr. C and Mrs. Koern disagreed on this critique – so I don’t know.

She said the same thing to Bill.

She didn’t even mention Lalit at all. At all. She mentioned the girls how she didn’t like that they were one at times and then had their own stories. Oh don’t get me wrong, it was a strong choice. So gold sticker for the effort. The dang script is written as a Greek tragedy. They are Women 1 and Women 2. They are always together- they are going to be similar.

I’m sorry if I haven’t really been wanting to talk this weekend. I’m sorry if I sound whiny and complain-y. You just have no idea how much it hurts. I mean… no one can really understand. I remember last year when we didn’t advance for Paganini and I didn’t really know why everyone was crying. It was going to be okay. But. No. It crushes you. I mean… we worked so hard. We worked so hard. It hurts so much. It’s not fair that there is only one judge. And so many people were behind us and thought we’d advance. It was in our hands. I can’t stop thinking about it. It just hurts. It’s over. I’ll get over it. Life goes on. But, I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow. I feel like a disappointment. A let down. I don’t want to face everyone who will wonder what happened. I don’t want to get home at 2:30 every day to stare at this stupid computer screen and drown myself in homework. I have nothing else to look forward to this year. And I feel so weird when people congratulate me. I didn’t get what I really wanted. Yes, the award is an honor and I’m so glad I got it. But… I would exchange it for the chance to move on. In a heartbeat.

Goodbye, Madeline. Goodbye.

It's finally here!! This is going to be a fun, relaxing week. I'm excited. :) Then on Saturday we have rehearsals for UIL. Then next week is UIL week. ahhh! But I'm real excited for it too. :)

So, I'll briefly talk about Lucien.
It was awesome! We got to miss 5 periods and ate a La Madeline for lunch. Mhhhhmmm.
So we performed at 8, and I think that performance was a pretty good one. It was the first time we performed under 40 minutes. So that was exciting!! Then from 9-11 he basically ran over scenes. For me the only things he 'fixed' was my first entrance. He wanted the pace and rhythm be different from the scene before. So that was cool. Then he talked mainly about feeling what your talking about. Instead of just talking about it. You know? So he gave me some tips on substituting each moment. Which, I'm still working on. He also told me to bake a pie. So I could really know how to bake a pie. So I did. It was delicious. :) I think I'm getting closer to crying, but... I'm not where I want to be yet. I don't know... it's sooo hard. It's not hard to cry. It's just hard to cry at the right moment. In the moment. You know? But, I mean... I have to get there. So I'll figure something out.

The play since then has been getting better. We have our bad days. And our good days. I feel bad whenever I have a bad day. Because, I don't know it's not that I'm not trying. Cause I feel like I try every time (or at least go in with the intention to try), but sometimes I just get messed up and thrown off and it's bad. She starts ending the show early if we get close to the 40 minutes (like 39:50 she'll stop if we're done or not) and that's discouraging. Because the last moment is a big moment... and if we don't get to it, the whole show loses it's power I think. But, we have been getting under 40 most days... I believe. Or at least 3 times. Ahhh... but we need to do it EVERY time. You know. The only thing I'm really nervous about at the moment is the rules of UIL. There are so many rules.. I'm freaking out. Like, we have to set up in 7 minutes, strike in 7 minutes. If you leave any props anywhere you're disqualified (thankfully we don't have very many) and if you go over 40 you're DQ. We haven't really practiced setting up or striking. We have our assigned pieces to move... we just need to set up in time. But I think it's possible, it's not a hard set. I think we'll practice this next week... but it's hard. There's also stupid rules of how to use the set and all this technical stuff... I just am one of those people that won't be comforted until I know we have it sorted out. I worry about these things. Ha.

Our CF soccer team made it to playoffs!! I'm so excited. I hope I'll be able to go to a couple. The first one's one UIL night so I know we won't be able to go to that. :( I missed the last game because I was taking the SAT the next morning, which was senior night. And apparently one of the boys was going to the us for coming to all the games. Ha. But, it's okay.

The SAT wasn't as bad as I expected. It actually was not that long. You know? I mean I was there for like... 6 hours or so. But, it didn't feel forever. I got a little tired because I had like 3 reading sections in a row... but for the most part I wasn't dying. I brought water, mints, and a bunch of snacks to eat during the breaks. And I think I did well. I finished all of the sections and only left 4 blank. I didn't finish my essay... but I was in the conclusion, so I think it'll be okay. And I used Herb Brooks in my essay. ;) But, all in all I feel good about it.

On Saturday I went to El Gallo with Eliza. And then we went to Connie's and then to Target. Then she came over and we played soccer in the backyard and sat on the trampoline and talked. It was fun. :)

I'm going to go shopping this week to hopefully get a new bathing suit and a dress for the awards ceremony for UIL. It's going to be a good spring break. :)

Well it's really late so I'll post the details later... but, Lucien went great! He is so awesome! And he had some really good points. UIL is in 20 days... ahhh!! I'm so excited for everyone to see it though. Really. :)

Some days after UIL, I'm so pumped for the show and for life. And then other days I come home exhausted and emotionally dead. I don't know, I just got a lot of harsh critiques today and they all seemed like personal attacks. And I know, that Mrs. Koern is only doing it for me to better myself and what not, but it still hurts. I don't know... I feel like I just waited my breath giving her a horrible performance. And I thought I had done some better things, and the things I didn't improve on... I still felt I did about the same for when she says I did good. And I agree with what she says, makes since. But... I don't know. It's frustrating. Now I'm really nervous for Lucien on Friday. I don't want my first impression to be a bad one.

It's been a while since I've last post. I've been busy busy busy!

-Went to Do Work. Really really good. It's still been on my mind, the things I've learned and could apply, it's hard because you have to work from the inside out and before you can make a difference. But, I'll keep praying.
-Went to a D-Now at my friends church. I'm so glad I went. Not only was it good and I learned more from it, but I got to hang out with some girls I haven't talked to since freshman year or even junior high. And I got to get to really know them spiritually and just catch up. I had a lot of fun. It was weird becasue they're all in a 'group' or whatever and had been to these D Now's before, but they were welcoming and including me and so I really enjoyed it. And we had some good talks, I think. I met Jimmy Needham too! Got his autograph/picture (which is somewhere.) And I met Price Hill (a independent band that played for the weekend.) Talked to them some too. They were really nice and cool. But, overall, great experience.
-We blocked the whole show for UIL. And it's awesome!!! I love love love the ending. And I'm improving, which is good. The show is actually pretty much together (I mean, there is still a lot of work- but we mostly have all our lines down, blocking is done, cutting is basically done, we did the show in 52 minutes yesterday-we have to get it down to 40 by UIL, so that is really good) and we still have 6 weeks ish to make it better! In 4 weeks we go perform for Lucien (I think he's the theatre director for UT or something like that) and he will critique us and stuff. I'm nervous about that but it'll hopefully be good. And then our show is March 26. Ahhh!! I'm so excited!!
-School is getting tough. I have a 78 in English and it's bugging me because I keep getting bad grades on quizzes/ there is only one major grade in there that is a 75. We have another major grade coming in, but if I get a 75 on that one... it's going to be bad. I can't fail a class because I can't get kicked out of UIL!! (KOW) I just hate how they don't grade Major grades until the last week of the six weeks because you can't ever know until there is no more time if you'll be safe or not. Just pray for me, I guess!

UIL rehearsals were good today. I've been praying God will use me in UIL to really be intentional with my relationships. And really reach out. But, it'll be hard because I'm not good at that. But I'm really trying to make close relationships.

I keep having the same problems of my mouth. Ha, if you know what I mean? And it's not even gossip, its just not knowing when to shut up. I'm trying really hard to work on it and I hope that with God's strength I can get better. I'm also trying hard to not get on the computer/Facebook so much. It's such a time waster and everyone knows I already have little of it. This break was nice and I was able to get everything done so that was good. But I'm trying to cut back and be more focused. Also something I struggle with.

I got my fish on Saturday! I think his name is Paul. Or something along those lines. I'll let you know when I've officially named him.

Fill myself up with you, Lord, and overflow me with your love. And love through me.


Ahhhhhh.

I feel sick and tired. My nose is running. Ha, good thing it's a 3 day weekend!

Senior Directs went better than everyone expected. I think. I did good I guess, got some compliments. It was fun. It was real tiring, but I enjoyed it. I'm glad its over though. Now to worry/stress about UIL! Wooohoo. This is going to be a fun and hard couple of months. (BTW, our first competition is March 26... mark that on your calender (: )

Also, the Olympics are coming up!!! I am soo excited. Hopefully, I will be able to watch a lot of it. Go USA! (:

Update on License: Level 4 out of 7. Well in class time. Drive time I'm still doing level 3. bleeeehhhh.

I've had the song "Bad Romance" stuck in my head for the past week. It's a catchy song. And me and my friend decided we'll be the next Lady Gaga. (side note: I actually don't really have an opinion on her, I like some of her songs, but don't listen to her that often.) We're going to be called Lady RaRa squared. Lol.

But, anyways, school is as boring as ever. Seriously. I don't have very many friends in any of my classes, sadly. But, it's okay. I love theatre still- although I'm real nervous about my senior direct. We shall see how it goes. I don't do a real good job, though. I'm not good playing drunk. Seriously. I mean, I felt good with it up until today. So... we'll see.

I'm sorry, but people get way too emotional and personal when it comes to football. Everyone on Facebook for the past two days have been talking smack about Texas losing or talking smack to the people who said Texas lost. We got it, you have a rival with us, but if your team is not even in the competition anymore and is not playing them, why does it matter?

(Warning: Please don't take this as conceited or cocky. That's not how I am meaning it.)

In other news... I GOT A PART IN UIL! I got a part in UIL. I got a part in UIL. I have been in disbelief and have felt so much joy yesterday and today. I got a lead role. I got a lead role. I can't believe it. Honestly, I've been dreaming about this day since freshman year, and even before, but the fact that it happened is seriously so great. I didn't expect it. And, for UIL. In a 7 cast play. Ahhhhh. AND! Jill and Eliza also got a part! We knew that the chances of us all getting a part were slim to none, and so none of us could believe it when we did! And I still can't. I am so thrilled! I am so nervous. But I can't believe it. I truly can't. And the play is AWESOME. I love it I love it I love it.

...So, I don't really care about LW anymore. I mean, I love that play and wanted to be in it, but this is just such a blessing and would rather have this opportunity. Ahhhh.